It’s Raw! A Love Letter to Gordon Ramsay

Dear Gordon,

I would have called you “Chef” but that seems a little pretentious. I didn’t know that “Chef” was an actual title like Doctor, Captain or Maestro. I hope that does not offend you. While the beginning of my letter may seem auspicious, I am writing to tell you how great you are. I have no idea what the real Gordon Ramsay is like; do you slap food down and watch it explode at home? Do you make your children perform cooking contests? Do you have a big picture of a cow at home with all the cuts of meat and play a game of “Find the Flanksteak”? I am not sure. But I sure like watching you make the cooking donkeys on TV do those things.

You seem to have a few different versions of yourself. There is “Helpful Gordon” that you see on Ramsay’s Kitchen Nightmares. This UK version makes you look so much nicer and helpful than the American counterpart, Kitchen Nightmares. In this version you seem to care how the restaurant turns out and the people that asked for your help tend to listen a little more closely. Your ideas seem to help and the show is about cooking a lot more than confrontation. You also seem to enjoy those episodes more than the ones in the US. I like “Helpful Gordon”.

“Chef Gordon” is a lot of fun too. This is when you host that F Word show that I only see on rare occasions. We get to see you really cook, tend to live animals and your family and give some great cooking instructions to clueless people.  There are many aspects of “Helpful Gordon” during these episodes. Again, you seem to have so much fun with a lot of these people; even the hapless cooks in restaurant portion of the show. Some of them even get to learn something.

Once you cross the ocean you seem to grow a little in anger. That’s when “Angry Gordon” comes out. During Hell’s Kitchen, you blow up and terrorize some of the worst chefs in the country. I would try and blame you for all your yelling but I can’t. Even the worst cooks can make sure chicken isn’t raw. I am not sure how you main the little composure that you have. How can someone work for you if they can’t cook scallops or risotto? I think I would toss dishes and throw food if I were you. I know my language would be just as explicit, if not worse. I have dealt with many donkeys myself and I only wish I could have popped fish all over the place with them.

The strangest Gordon is “Confrontational Gordon”. This Gordon appears on Kitchen Nightmares. This American version brings out your most combative side. Again, I would try and blame you for your actions but most of these restaurants that you try and help and beyond hope. They called you to get some TV exposure and not actual assistance in fixing their restaurants. This Gordon is also a very rich Gordon. You’re also very magical. This appears to happen overnight after a dinner service. I would also call this version of yourself, “Magical Confrontational Gordon”. I wonder if these makeovers actually help these nuts. I would say that their dinner menus are out to lunch. Tee hee, now I sound like you.

Another Gordon is “Mentor Gordon”. This is when you are on Masterchef, the latest of your many TV shows. When exactly do you run restaurants and cook? This is one of my favourite versions of you. You are far less angry and your foul language colours your words quite nicely. You seem to be in awe of the people you work with and are far less cruel than the douche with the bald head and awesome shoes.  This is when you really like to see people shine and don’t seem to dwell on their mistakes as much. It is far nicer to see than when you berate someone so savagely as “Angry Gordon”. Of course, some of them really deserve it.

So, my dearest Gordon, this is my letter of admiration to you. I have a few of your cookbooks and I have recreated some of the dishes to the best of my ability. I avoid using fish oil though. That’s just nasty.

So thank you for your hours of entertainment, your delicious foods and the knowledge that they are some really hopeless people out there who have no business owning restaurants or calling themselves “chef”. I do kind of hate you for showing me the most delicious Lemon Merengue Pie last night. Damn that looked good.

Now I want pie.

 

Lovingly yours,

Andrew