I Heart You

Today is Valentine’s Day. A day of love (as told to us by Hallmark, florists, chocolate merchants and jewelry stores) and tenderness and sometimes cheapness. I would love to send a memo out to the public (and specifically men) that giving a lady a stuffed bear or dog or pig or a duck-billed playtpus with a heart that says, “Be Mine” is not a way to their heart. They may squeal and say, “I love it!” but really they are thinking, “What the fuck am I going to do with a stuffed animal? I’m not 10. You better not think I am 10 you cheap-ass jerk!” And as a women giving the same gift to a man is even worse. But everyone still fakes that they love the stuffed animal gifts. I am sure it still works in high school but as an adult, please avoid all stuffed animals as gifts. Just because they are for sale at Hallmark stores does not mean they need to be purchased.

On other another Valentine’s Day note, I can say that flowers are usually a pretty awesome gift to give a woman or a man who likes floral arrangements and nice smells. Sure they don’t last forever, and yes, they are horrifically overpriced at this time of the year and if you have cats they will eat them and decrease their lifespan in half, BUT, they are a pretty nice gesture. But don’t send weeds, while some look like flowers, they send a really bad message.  And don’t send too many flowers either. A dozen maybe even two dozen is acceptable. Sending so many flowers that the recipient’s office or home smells like the place you bought them from is a little too much.

Of course you can take my advice or not. I am not a seasoned dater but I am a romantic (and as I have been told on an almost daily basis, quite gay) and I love big romantic gestures. However, some of the romantic gestures you see in the movies are not always acceptable. Raising a Ghetto Blaster above your head now doesn’t have the same effect as it once did. Mostly likely people will either say, “What they hell is that above the creepy dude in the trench coat’s head?” or “Really? iPods aren’t that expensive anymore!” So that’s not as romantic as it would sound. Also it may be hard to find a copy of Ke$ha on tape. Because if “C’Mon” doesn’t say love then what really does?

There are many other sweeping romantic gestures that can really show people how much you love them and purchasing gifts is not always required. However, sending vials of blood is apparently a little weird and may result in a fantastic gift in return. One of the most romantic gifts is being visited by a process server and having a gift wrapped restraining order against you. That’s love.

Other ways to win over the love of your life is through the written word. You could write about purse thieves on beaches in Florida. That sounds like a lovely romantic story. Purse thieves, gotta be gay men, tutus, cinnamon and heavily deep fried fish is always the way to start an epic romance that stands the test of time. All you need to do is throw in an epic lie and some baked goods and you have the perfect story. All you need to do is actually write the fucking thing and it would make a great gift!  Well, maybe the epic lie isn’t the best thing to add.

Valentine’s Day isn’t everyone favourite day. But I really love it. It’s a day to be romantic and while you should be romantic throughout the entire year, it is fun to have a specified day as well. Why the hell not? We don’t give gifts just on Christmas. We don’t eat chocolate just on Easter. We don’t drink bubbles just on New Year’s Eve. We don’t spend time with family just on Family Day. We don’t drink beer just on St Patrick’s Day. We don’t talk to people named George just on St. George’s Day. We don’t dress up just